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(Graphic by Katie Cosgrove)

Article by Shannon Dawn – Qween City

Once you achieve Thicker Longer Stronger Hair, the world will bend to your will.

A Lifestyle Editorial from Shannon Dawn

In a media landscape overrun with overinflated talking heads, it’s important to remember that being original is overrated. Grab a decent pashmina (but not a good one) and brace yourself for some tips on managing your life with such gravitas that you become transcendent.

First, some background of my Lifestyle Expertise™.

Insofar as the public lens lets me control my image, I’m a salad-eating, eyebrow-game-having, straight no chaser hungry-guy feeding, flat iron-wielding, farmers’ market collage-making, left-hand-parallel parking, literally think of any fashion of show-boating. That.

But it wasn’t always so. When I was young and impressionable, the ads in the back of Seventeen taught me as much as the articles. More. Next to all the Caboodles I’d never get and the Zum Zum dresses I didn’t even dare to want, one backpager stood out. Even in the mid-‘80s, this ad looked old. A long-haired woman in a practical Playtex bra smiled at me. She was all black and white, no grey. In as few words, she promised me thicker longer stronger hair and I loved her for it. This was something achievable through persistence and will.

Fast forward to a recent Sunday, when I looked up from my vanity and discovered that woman with her modest bra and curtain of hair staring back at me. How did I get here? Wouldn’t you like to know?

Here, presented without comment, is What is Understood:

  • Your hair is the barometer of your worth: the thickness bodes fertility, a coif boasts free time. As for a dye-job – sit down for this one, you got it – color shows your privilege. For all intents and purposes, it’s basically your dick.
  • Internalize otherness. We can save our mascara wands, or fund preservation directly and let rescuers order normal brushes? Conservationists must act in a vacuum! This is “retire by foregoing lattes” logic, and it works!
  • Let traditional archetypes define you. This one is key. Being somebody everybody expects you to be saves time and hassle. Perhaps someday schools will have squad aptitude tests; until then figure out if you’re the smart one or the slutty one. Then commit hard.
  • Redemption through apologies. Now 20% more free.
  • Stop thinking like a poor person, OK? That’s your problem. You’re not doing the Secret. Or maybe you’re just doing it wrong. Practice abundance thinking. Why not, it works for your friend?
  • Sell your soul. Leave the little girl behind. Be perfect. You too can have Thicker Longer Stronger Hair.

Giving sage advice is the next best thing to home cooking. Were you visiting my home as a guest, I would offer you some genuine homespun wisdom crossed with contemporary business buzzwords. It’d be the conversational equivalent of melon and prosciutto, which we would also have. The nature of this media keeps you at a distance, so I’m relegated to punching you with questionably-intended, anecdotal lifestyle tips that blur the surprisingly thick line between bragging and a cookbook.  

Here is a hot take about having fabulous terror-inducing hair: hot takes are the new big hair.

Start teasing hot takes out of every strand. Brag. Achieve haters. Haters are the contour of your profile. They add shadow to the light. I know these things. In the occasional manifesto, do include a little behind-the-scenes action. It ads character and vulnerability. If I can ascribe a companionship onto a bowl of salad greens, you can manage some good false apologies, no?

In order to be authentic, your lifestyle segments have to have a little drama. It’s what differentiates Flip or Flop from This Old House. Someday when you proceed on to write your own lifestyle column, you’ll think back on all of this great information. I’d love to hear your feedback while I am gestating my next upcoming manifesto.

For my prosciutto canape and punch recipe, stay tuned.

PS – Are you coming to our Halloween party? Tickets are on the move.

Get yours right here.